Potentially Incriminating Trump Laptop Discovered

Pittsview, a small city in Alabama, came into the national spotlight on Tuesday when an obscure computer repair shop revealed it had an abandoned laptop that could potentially belong to former President Donald Trump.

“Well, best I can tell this here laptop computer done belong to a man named Donald Trump and I have reason to believe that this here particular Donald Trump might well be the same one that done used to be on The Apprentice on the TV,” explained Cephus Banasiewicz, an employee at Dilbert’s Discount Computer Repair and Pawn Shop.

Although Banasiewicz did not have firsthand knowledge of why Trump might have been in Pittsview in the days prior to the January 6 insurrection, he did indicate that he had heard there were regular Klu Klux Klan rallies in a nearby town that might have attracted his attention. He indicated he did not know if the former President had chosen to participate in those festivities but that he did say he was told there were good people on both sides.

According to Banasiewicz, he decided to open the laptop after the owner abandoned it. Although apparently the entire thing could have been avoided.

Security footage at the repair store shows a heavyset man wearing orange makeup did come in to pick up the computer, but tried to fenagle an exchange for a signed copy of The Art of the Deal instead of paying. The man apparently left in a huff when asked to pay the terms of the contract he had signed and never came back.

While reports of the discovered laptop will surely illicit labels of being a “liberal hoax” and a “partisan witch hunt” from the former president, Banasiewicz is as non-political as they come.

When asked if he is a Democrat or a Republican the self-described someday-to-be assistant manager stated, “I got nothing against people who eat just vegetables and things but I like meat with my potatoes. And dessert too. I really like dessert. Especially my mom’s apple pie.”

Upon inspection of the laptop, independent experts verified that there is potentially damning evidence that may link the computer to former President Trump.

In a file labeled “Things to do after the Coup” there is a list of tasks including:

  • Think about declassifying top secret documents
  • Hookers and blow with Eric, Don Jr., and Uncle Rudy
  • Replace Melania with a newer model
  • Replace White House plumbing to handle documents without clogging toilets
  • Raise “VIP Pardon Consideration” price by 80%
  • Announce Moscow as home of new European White House
  • Have Oath Keepers and Proud Boys over for McDonalds
  • Build a wall and make Canada pay for it
  • Blame everything on Hillary and Obama
  • Pay Lindsey $130,000 hush money to not mention our night of passion

Asked for his thoughts on the discovery, Trump’s former personal attorney Rudy Giuliani stated he would be holding a press conference at Four Seasons Landscaping to make a statement on the validity of the laptop after “a certain lying rat bastard contacts me about the unpaid invoices for the $20,000 a day I was promised to peddle his made-up voter fraud claims. I mean really?”

When asked for comment on the potentially damning laptop, a spokesperson for the former president stated it was a “liberal hoax” and a “partisan witch hunt” and something vague about “Hillary’s emails” and Ron DeSantis not having a U.S. birth certificate.

Peace. Love. Trust.

Rikki Lee Travolta

If you appreciate the nature of my words here, I ask that you take just a moment to share this article with your social media of choice. Follow me on Facebook (/rikki.travolta) and Twitter (@RikkiLeeTV)

This year, I had the great pleasure of appearing in the hilarious Paul Rudnick comedy I Hate Hamlet for Elgin Theatre Company in the greater Chicago area. To our great honor, I Hate Hamlet has been nominated for seven prizes in the 2022 Broadway World Chicago Theatre Awards:

  • Best Direction of a Play – Regina Belt-Daniels
  • Best Ensemble Performance
  • Best Play
  • Best Performer in a Play – Rikki Lee Travolta
  • Best Supporting Performer in a Play – David Gasior
  • Best Supporting Performer in a Play – Trace Gamache
  • Best Supporting Performer in a Play – Travis Greuel

If you want to voice your support for the Elgin Theatre Company production of I Hate Hamlet, you can cast your vote at: https://www.broadwayworld.com/chicago/voteregion.cfm

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